Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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