final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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