I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
