Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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