i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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