The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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