Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
