He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
