there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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you never un-have a 4some
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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