I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
