I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
did you just send me my own nude
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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