the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
