Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
