Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
