Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
