Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
