you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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