can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
