I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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