Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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