if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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