you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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