I accidentally burped into my bong.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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