A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
barbara walters just said penis...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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