what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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