last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)