Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize