even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
