he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
