I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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