I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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