Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
