Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
