I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
