the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
