so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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