that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
