I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
