at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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