ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
