11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
