I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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