Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
So many bounce houses so little time
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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