I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
