Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
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i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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