I wish they made helmets for livers.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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