There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
