if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so let's talk penis.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
