Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Couch. On fire.
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