It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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