The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
