Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The feeling are messing with the penis
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
