why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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