You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
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Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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