So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
