I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
That accounts for only three of the penises
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
